Deachman: Ottawa’s nightlife council didn’t appoint me — but I’m ‘joining’ anyway. You can help

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Let’s first get this elephant out of the way, shall we? I was not chosen to be one of the 18 members of Ottawa’s Nightlife Council, a group whose identities were announced on Monday. These folks, chosen from the city’s business improvement areas, student associations, event organizers, arts groups and the like, will provide the recently minted Nightlife Commission Office — a.k.a. “Night Mayor” Mathieu Grondin — the support, advice and feedback he’ll need as he implements Ottawa Council’s approved Nightlife Economy Action Plan.

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Recommendations in the plan, according to the city, “focus on creating an environment that is broadly ‘nightlife friendly’ while also ensuring that nightlife activities are compatible with communities and neighbourhoods.”

Well, I like my nightlife friendly, I thought. Surely I can help.

I admit that the bitter pill of not being chosen might have been easier to swallow if I hadn’t applied for the volunteer position in the first place, but I did, citing my involvement in theatre; my chops as a cocktail enthusiast; my interest, both professionally and casually, in music, music festivals and venues, and in the city’s culinary scene, as assets.

I’d hoped, too, though I may have failed to specifically mention it in my online application, that my connection to you — my 10s of loyal readers from all corners of the city with interests and opinions as varied as any — might also serve the city’s nightlife well, with me acting as a conduit for many of Ottawa’s nocturnally eager masses.

Alas, the city did not see it that way. I received no follow-up message to say I’d made the shortlist, no Microsoft Teams invitation to a midnight meetup with Mathieu. My mailbox sat empty, my phone silent, my email account pingless. I considered renewing my old landline, just in case they were trying to reach me that way.

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Don’t misunderstand. This is in no way an indictment of the 18 people who were chosen. Each appears well-qualified; I wish them every success. I am, in fact, super-impressed at how quickly they’ve gotten out of the gate: You may have noticed already that nighttime this week has been arriving an hour earlier than it did only days ago.

Surely that brilliant idea — darkly brilliant, you might say — has the Nightlife Council’s fingerprints all over it. Daylight saving is obviously the work of night owls. But why only one hour? Why not make it dark before our children are even out of school in the afternoon, say, to start acclimatizing them to an active nighttime atmosphere at a much younger age? Why, we could organize homework clubs at actual clubs, with kid-friendly deejays or live bands, and homework-helping mascots. What self-respecting funster wouldn’t be up for that?

We might also consider actually incentivizing people to go out at night, just to get some of the shut-ins off their couches and into the streets. Each night, for example, one or two people who are out taking part in the city’s offerings — at a gallery, club, theatre, festival, restaurant, agricultural fair, street party, sports event, WHATEVER — could be selected at random to win some fabulous prizes: glow-in-the-dark paraphernalia, say, or tickets to a midnight fashion show, or a box of fireworks or an evening gown. The prizes would be paid for by the participating businesses so it wouldn’t cost taxpayers a thing. Kind of like Elon Musk offering $1-million prizes to Trump voters (Too soon? Sorry.)

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Meanwhile, it might encourage more people to attend evening events, and perhaps start doing so strategically — such as on weeknights when fewer people are out and about, thus increasing their odds of winning a prize while incidentally spreading Ottawa’s evening cheer throughout the week. And who knows? They might find they like being out at night.

Now, it isn’t the night mayor’s job to actually organize specific events, but rather to set up favourable conditions for these things to happen and thrive. And perhaps you and I haven’t the time or resources to be the impresarios needed to bust these sorts of night moves.

But we can put forward ideas that we feel might enliven our city at night, in the hope that someone out there might pick some up and run with them.

With that in mind, I hereby accept the unofficial role of “19th nightlife councillor,” and by the authority not quite invested in me, am beknighting each of you to be my co-conspirators, the knights of the night council. To get the ball rolling, I offer these few humble suggestions to add to the ones mentioned earlier:

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• Let’s commit to turning off as many lights as we can for two nights a year, say, and hold urban stargazing parties in municipal parks and on rooftops.

• Let’s consider bringing back the annual Burning of the Greens, our late-1950s’ practice of burning discarded Christmas trees in a huge nighttime bonfire for the ages.

• Tired of street racing? If we can’t eliminate the annoying, idiotic and unsafe activity from our streets, perhaps we could at least move them somewhere where they won’t be so bothersome, like an abandoned airstrip far from our homes.

• Remember the massive yoga gatherings on the Great Lawn at Lansdowne? How about a nighttime glow-in-the-dark version? Or glow-in-the-dark boat races on the canal?

• More nighttime farmers’ markets? A silent dance party, where the music is heard through participants’ earbuds? Midnight book clubs at bars and coffeeshops? Kite-flying with LED-lit kites?

This is just the start. Send me your ideas — none is too small, too big or too ridiculous — and I’ll periodically share them, with you and with the nighttime council. We’ll get a seat at that table yet.

But first, go take a short nap. I think we’re going to be staying up later than we’re used to!

bdeachman@postmedia.com

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