Deachman: A new motto for Ottawa? YOWsers have a tonne of suggestions

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When I was a youngster, the two-month summer holiday was divided into two. July was filled with more activities than it could reasonably hold, while August was just the opposite: a month-long void during which the sheer stillness of life in Ottawa weighed on me like a heavy blanket. My sole pastime each August was complaining: “I’m bo-o-o-r-r-red!” to which my mother always replied, “Well, whose fault is THAT?” If she thought I was going to concede that it was mine, she had another think coming. It was Ottawa’s fault; there was nothing interesting to do here.

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Judging by many of the more than 130 suggestions I received after a column last week urging readers to invent fresh mottoes for the city (our current official motto,“Advance – Ottawa – En Avant” is rather staid), I’m far from the only person to have experienced Ottawa ennui.

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I don’t imagine, for example, that reader Jack Waghorn was being entirely complimentary when he suggested “Ottawa: All the Excitement of Winnipeg, But Colder” and “Ottawa: The Saskatoon of the East.” Nor was Malcolm Drury, who submitted “Ottawa: Closed for Maintenance.”

Rather than submit a motto, one reader, Georges Clermont, simply wrote, “There is no motto however snappy that will make Ottawa anything but BORING.” My mother would disagree, but instead I’ll let David Alburger’s suggestion for a motto do the talking: “If you’re not having fun, the problem is YOU.”

Meanwhile, the motto “Ottawa: Two Rivers, Three Bureaucracies” offered by Grant Boyd was one of the kinder suggestions regarding the city’s many political roles. Government was the area where readers’ frustrations spilled over into spleen-venting.

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“Incompetence we guarantee!” wrote Callie Joist.

“Ottawa: Where Incompetence Reigns Supreme” echoed Maxime Verite.

“Ottawa: Over-governed and Under-led,” was George Schoenhofer’s submission.

“LRT, not as bad as Phoenix,” suggested Ross Couchman.

“Ottawa: Where Your Tax Dollars Go To Die,” wrote Terry White.

Fred Hughes turned political bluster into a positive with “Ottawa: Bask in the Hot Air!” while others looked at the thermometer from the other end. “Ottawa: “The City Where Cold is Minted,” wrote Sevilla G. At least I assume she meant the weather, but perhaps she intended it more as a comment on the residents, similar to Michael Bussiere’s motto: “Sorry, We’re Just Not That Friendly.” Waghorn, meanwhile, included a more weather-balanced quip when he suggested “Ottawa: Three Weeks of Summer — We Just Don’t Know When.”

Bruce Stewart, after pointing out what he views as many of the city’s flaws, including Lansdowne, LRT, parking and snow removal, came up with the all-encompassing “Ottawa: The City Where You Just Can’t.”

Of course, none of these will likely help Ottawa’s soon-to-be-appointed Nightlife Commissioner, a.k.a. night mayor, create a livelier version of our city — which was why I sought reader input on a motto in the first place.

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Some clever responses are simply too long to fit on a highway sign welcoming visitors. I can imagine motorists errantly driving off the road while taking in all of Boyd’s “Ottawa: Too Long for Wordle, One Tile Shy of a Scrabble Bingo” or Waghorn’s “Ottawa: Between Toronto and Montreal, and Don’t Slow Down (We Need the Money from the Traffic Cameras).” I loved another of Waghorn’s suggestions: “Ottawa: Doug Ford Just Found Us — Why Don’t You?”

If massaging Ottawa’s image to help improve its nightlife is a goal, then you have to award full marks to Guy Milne’s “U OTTAWAntoparty here” (read it aloud for the full effect) and Rakesh Misra’s “Ottawa: Where Bad Decisions are Made — Make Yours Tonight!”

Another favourite motto suggestion came via Ben Kutner, who, when asked to don his thinking cap, came up with “Ottawa: Canada’s Thinking Capital.”

John Holmes riffed off of one of the city’s most famous exports with “Ottawa: Isn’t It Ironic?” and a fishing movie with “Ottawa: A Canal Runs Through It.”

Owing to the sheer geographic size of Ottawa, Peter Sharp offered “The City of Endless Horizons.”

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I confess, though, that I’m saddened every time I think of Beverley McKiver’s proposed motto, “Ottawa: It Used to be Nicer,” because, after reading her email, I recognize that it was born of her genuine love for a city she sees as decaying. In contrast, I find great hope and promise in Megan Piercey Monafu’s “Ottawa: It Won’t Initiate It, But it Will Hug You Back.” And there’s something very Canadian in Joseph Rikhof’s “Ottawa: From Boast to Boast to Boast.”

And readers offered plenty to boast about, including Boyd, again, with “OTTAWA: Proud to Capitalize All its Letters.” Many others homed in on the physical beauty of the area. Nancy from Stittsville submitted handfuls of mostly alliterative mottoes, such as “Bytown Beauty” and “Capital Charm,” although my favourite of hers was “Tulip Town,” for its almost cartoonish whimsy. It conjurs some imaginary mashup of the Chinatown and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? movies: “Forget it, Jake, it’s Tulip Town.”

Others painting scenic landscapes in their mottoes included Matt’s “Ottawa: City of beauty, culture and festivals,” Don Pajot’s “Ottawa the Beautiful” and Helen Tikhonova’s “Ottawa: The Garden-Green Capital.”

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Still others looked to more aspirational heights, such as Marty McCormack’s “Demonstrating – The Best! Demontrant – Le Meilleur,” Barb Grant’s “City on the Rise” and Dear Mayer’s “For a Better Future.” Two readers, Lucie Masson and Betty Hunt, submitted “Ottawa, Try It, You’ll Like It,” while, much to my surprise, only one, James Wiens, incorporated one of the city’s most iconic dishes, with “Ottawa: The Shawarma Capital, Where Flavours Unite the Nation.”

My favourite, though, came from expat Ottawan and now Prince Edward County resident Tom Curran, one of a few readers who invoked the city’s post-amalgamation heart shape when he suggested “The Heart of the Nation.” I truly ♥ it.

Thanks to all who played along.

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Postscript: Reader Douglas Cornish believes that what Ottawa needs more than a motto or slogan is an unforgettable song, similar to John Kander and Fred Ebb’s classic New York, New York — made famous by Frank Sinatra — and George Cory and Douglass Cross’s I Left My Heart in San Francisco, popularized by Tony Bennett. “A successful song would outlast any slogan and would be forever associated with this city,” Cornish wrote. Just something to think about. We’ll talk more about it later this summer.

You can reach columnist Bruce Deachman at bdeachman@postmedia.com.

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